Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Paris Hilton Paris Hilton Paris Hilton!

I saw a dolphin today. I thought it was Bigfoot at first, because it was a land-dolphin. It was eating a banana and talking on a cell phone, too, so I thought it might be a Paris Hilton wanna-be at second.

I was all, “Dude, aren’t you some sort of banana-eating, phone-gabbing, hairy dolphin?”
And he goes, “Yeah.”
And then I was like, “Whoa. That’s freaky.”
And then mall security came and punched me in the head. That’s all I remember until about an hour ago when I woke up in my room with Paris Hilton. She’s hot.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Not Drinking or Smoking

There once was a non-smoking, non-drinking dude. He did not smoke.
But he did not drink.

Soon, (well, relatively speaking) his tongue grew fat and thick. It swelled inside his mouth, stretching to fill it, drying the inside of his cheeks where it pushed against them. It grew, and swelled, and dried, and soon it began to curse.

“Damn you, non-smoking, non-drinking dude!” the tongue said. “Because of your non-drinking I am fat and my skin is all dry and yucky. Damn you!”

And soon the man began to drink.
But his tongue was so fat that the rum and tequila and camel’s milk just shot out the sides of his mouth and sprayed all over the people who had gathered to watch him drink. One man was smoking. But it was not the non-smoking, non-drinking dude. No, he was only there to drink. Which he could not do.

Finally, the man who was smoking, cut out the non-smoking, non-drinking man’s tongue, threw it upon the ground, stomped on it for several minutes, and raised a shot glass in a toast to the now tongueless man. “May you soon take up smoking!”

And the crowd cheered, throwing tequila and shot glasses, and cigarette butts. And now that day is a national holiday in six different countries, and it’s known by many names. My favorite is, “National Smoking and Drinking or We’ll Cut Out Your Fat Fucking Tongue Day” which is celebrated in both Scotland and Iran. LOVE that day.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Pirates at the Poles

Alright, here’s another fact filled entry about things that pirates might say to each other if their ships were passing near one of the poles.
“Damn, it’s cold, Redbeard.”
“Aye, Blackass, it is cold.”
“Yeah, we’re gettin’ the hell outa here.”
“Yeah, we are too.”
“Yeah. And ya shouldn’t smoke.”

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Okay. Let’s get reintroduced.

Should I do this now and then? Just catch everyone up on who I am, and what the hell I’m doing here? What AM I doing here, anyway?

I’m Kevin. I’m an artist and a writer. That’s what I do.
I have a wife named Terri.

I’ve got two childs. One is eight, his name is Caspian. One is one and a half. His name is Zane.

We live in Olympia, Washington. We moved here in June of 2006. We love it here.

We live with Terri’s mom. It’s a long story as to why, and it’s not that we’re mooching off her. Though we are a little. But it’s mutual mooching, so it’s okay. We’re taking care of her because her health is notsogood. She bought the house and moved us here because our masses of money were notsogood.

We do funny stuff, and live life, and yell at each other, and love each other, and live life, and tell each other how cool we are, and how uncool we are, and live life. It’s fun. I’ll share a little here, and maybe it’ll be fun for you, too.

If it isn’t, just tell me and I’ll knock it off.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Coming Back


I’ve been terrible about posting in this blog. See, I started this blog after I started the one on my website ( Shameless Creations ). I thought I’d just post the same entries here as I did there. But I’m craving diversity.

See, I can’t really seem to talk about stuff on my website blog. It always turns out to be some crazy tall-tale, or an installment in the “Haggis” serial. Fiction, I tell ya, all fiction.

Which is great. I mean, I love the fiction. But there’s also real things that I want to talk about, and those things just get trampled under the fictional romps of my website’s blog.

And so…

I’m going to use this blog to talk about the real things and the other to spout fiction.

It’ll probably have a lot to do with what’s going on in my life, things I’m thinking about, freaky stuff I find online, you know, the typical bloggy stuff.

Like this:
Caspian’s Room is Almost Done

This is nearly the end of our massive moving-in renovation! Caspian’s room is about to be finished, and months of painting, unpapering, and all the other crazy things I’ve had to do to make our new house a home will be done! I’ll catch you up in the next few days, about what’s been going on recently in my life. Then this might make more sense to you.

But for right now know that my family and I have recently moved, our house is ultra-sweet, and I’m going to start using this blog to talk about real stuff. Or stuff that MAY be real. And I’m going to try and be regular about this.

More later.