Not Drinking or Smoking

There once was a non-smoking, non-drinking dude. He did not smoke.
But he did not drink.

Soon, (well, relatively speaking) his tongue grew fat and thick. It swelled inside his mouth, stretching to fill it, drying the inside of his cheeks where it pushed against them. It grew, and swelled, and dried, and soon it began to curse.

“Damn you, non-smoking, non-drinking dude!” the tongue said. “Because of your non-drinking I am fat and my skin is all dry and yucky. Damn you!”

And soon the man began to drink.
But his tongue was so fat that the rum and tequila and camel’s milk just shot out the sides of his mouth and sprayed all over the people who had gathered to watch him drink. One man was smoking. But it was not the non-smoking, non-drinking dude. No, he was only there to drink. Which he could not do.

Finally, the man who was smoking, cut out the non-smoking, non-drinking man’s tongue, threw it upon the ground, stomped on it for several minutes, and raised a shot glass in a toast to the now tongueless man. “May you soon take up smoking!”

And the crowd cheered, throwing tequila and shot glasses, and cigarette butts. And now that day is a national holiday in six different countries, and it’s known by many names. My favorite is, “National Smoking and Drinking or We’ll Cut Out Your Fat Fucking Tongue Day” which is celebrated in both Scotland and Iran. LOVE that day.