Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I can't figure out how to shrink that myspace video player down there.

So that means I've got to get it down the page and out of the way of my links and such. I don't want to get rid of it...

Since I mentioned that I'd be telling you all more about my adventures with Haggis, I thought I'd best be sure you all know who that is, and how he entered my life.

I'll repost the first blog entry I made about him, years ago, when he found me.

Ah, the internet...

So here's how the whole Haggis experience began. There's no end in sight.

From the blog at my website:



DAY: Saturday
WEATHER: Breezy and cool
SITCOM IDEA: “Transforming Tulsa”--Two high school lovers reunite fifteen years after graduation when one answers the other’s ‘roommate wanted’ ad. Each of them has had a sex change. For the first season, the sexual tension between them provides the laughs. After that the format changes, they get married, and the show becomes more like ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’. They’re also both interior designers. On TV.
WISH FOR THE WEEK: That I had an unending supply of miniature Mounds candy.

Having this website is already proving to be very interesting. Not just because I can see where everyone who visits comes from, either. I’ve been reuniting with old friends, getting mail from like-minded people, and it seems, meeting distant relatives.
This morning I received an email from some sort of cousin of mine. It’s hard to make sense of exactly how we’re related, and to tell truth, I can’t figure it out. But he’s got it all plotted.
It’s pretty exciting, meeting someone related so distantly. Part of my blood is in his, on another continent, living a completely different life. It’s also a little bit weird.
I’ll just let you read the email, and you’ll see for yourself why I say that. I’m not sure what’s going to come of all this. I’ll keep you posted. It sounds like it could make for some blog entries. Okay, here’s the email:
“Dear Master Kevin Shamel,
Hello. I am writing to you from the website I found by typing in my last name. Your website! The website you made!!
Isn’t this crazy? I live all the way here, and your so farrrrr over there? I’m in Scotland. You’re in the States. Isn’t it crazy?
So My name is Haggis. That’s my first name. My last name is Shamel, like yours. Well, it’s MacShamel, because I’m Scottish, but it means Shamel in American. Like I said, I typed in my name, and that’s how I found your website. Which I really like a great deal. I’m a man who fancies myself as a man with the abilities to put the wonderous ideas of my imagination filled fanciful mind into words and song just like you are a man who also does things like that which I just said, like the fancying fanciful fancies, in this very sentence. (see? were both Writers!
But I digress. My name is Haggis. I’m from the smallest village in the entire country of Scotland, Puddle. Yeah, it’s a dumb name, especially for being the smallest village and all, but it’s where I was born.
I don’t live there now, though. Else there’s no way I could be writing to you over the airwaves like this. There’s no computers in Puddle.
But anyway, we’re cousins! Yes, it’s true. Heres hoow I’ve got it worked out. Your dad’s dad came from Scotland, named Shamus MacShamel. His father was Sean “Meatpie” MacShamel. His father was William Haggis MacShamel, the great sheep-shearer, Who’s father was Johannes Shamel who changed his name when he moved to Scotland. Apparently he was some sort of mad scientist from Germany.
My grandmother was married to your great-great grandfather for a brief time, whereby thirteen children were born. One of those thirteen children was my father, Haggis William MacShamel. We’re cousins!
I’ve been saving my money for a very long time to come and visit the States. Everyone here hates the States, because we know all of you are plastic-surgery freaks, egocentric fear-ruled commercial slaves, and uncaring shitheads all in all, but now that I know I have family there, I’m coming to visit.
Do they have sheep-shear-the-beer there? Friday nights would be sad without it. If not, take me to your corner pub, bring two sheep, and I’ll teach you lads the oldest game in Puddle. But I don’t live in Puddle anymore, just remember that. I live in a much bigger town now. With my totally hot cousin Jane. She’s got to be YOUR cousin too. I’ll check out the geneology on that.
Ok Write me back. When is the best time to visit Milwaukee? Is Milwuakee near Hollywood? Could you mention me on your website?
See you soon!


So as I was saying, having this website is already turning out to be very interesting. I can’t wait to see what’s next. Any other family out there?
Send me ridiculous questions!!
I must reply to Haggis now.



Sorry, Haggis

DAY: Thursday
WEATHER: Raining
SITCOM IDEA: “Days of the Dead”—A show about a working-class family of the undead. Make it a ‘Blossom’ sort of thing, with a dash of ‘My Two Dads’, or ‘Full House’. Yes! Make it JUST like ‘Full House’, but with the twins all grown-up and super sexy-dead.
WISH FOR THE WEEK: That Anthony Michael Hall would buy one of my “My Robot Girlfriend is Such a Bitch” t-shirts, and wear it every day when he finally ends up on “The Surreal World”. (I don’t know where I came up with it…sorry…)

Hooray! In just about an hour and a half I’m going to the airport to pick up my friend Karina. We just spoke on the phone, and realized we haven’t seen each other in seven years or so. That’s a long time to go without seeing your good friend. It’s going to be great.
Since I only have an hour, I’m going to simply cut and paste the email I received after my blog about my cousin, Haggis. Apparently he thought the tone of my blog was not exactly familial. I’ve written an apology, and I believe he’s waiting to see this blog entry before he replies.
So, I’ll let you in on what’s going on, and perhaps after I’m done, my distant cousin in Scotland will reply. Here it is:


Thank you very much for displaying my letter to you on your website, ya wanker. You made me look like atotal idiot.
I cannot believe you dint edit it before you put it up for the world to see. It’s not like you don’t make mistakes, ya know. I’m not gonna point them all out, each and every single little lousy stinkin’ tipo that you have on your bloody site. But they’re there. Like all your lousy comma mistakes. And how you say the same thing ten times in different ways, and make all your bloody sentences three words long. And that story, Ryan, truly stinks. You suck at writing, but more you suck at editing emails from yer ding dang bloody distant cousin!
When I get to Milwaukee, before I even visit Hollywood, I’m takin you out to the pub, getting you stinkin drunk, dragging your yank ass into an ally, and punchin your liver till you puke-up a cat. Then we can can get to being friends.
And I’m getting there soon. We’re family! you can’t be makin’ me look bad to all these people out there. Family. Don’t you bleedin get that?
Sod off, and I’ll see you soon to straighten you up.

Haggis MacShamel”

So there it is.
But, as I said, I’ve already apologized. I did it days ago. But I’ll do it now, too. Right here, in front of all these people.

~I’m sorry, Haggis, for not editing your email before I posted it. You certainly didn’t need me to make you look like a wanker in front of all these people, I’m sure.~

I’m wondering how many more cousins I have out there…
And when exactly is Haggis arriving?
Maybe he’ll be at the airport this morning, when I pick up Karina. Sometimes the world is mysterious like that, ya know.
I’ll keep you all posted. Especially if I puke-up a cat.
Have some rad moments today.
Say hi to everyone for me.


And there's more. Much, much more.

He's been after me. Nearly caught me a few times. It's all at my website. Mostly in the entries with Haggis in the title. If you want to catch up, you can find out just how mean and evil this dude has turned out to be.

I have to write soon about the latest atrocity to my person he's committed. Soon.

Anyway, hopefully that video I made is out of the way.
If not, I'll be writing more this afternoon.


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